Nothing in this world is worse than fear.  It can conquer your life and cripple your judgement.  The year leading up to the diagnosis was one of the worst of my life.  Instead of celebrating and enjoying my beautiful toddler, I became obsessed with this label that is essentially a social construct created by human beings.  I had lost over 10 pounds in as little as two months without trying.  I couldn't breathe for one minute without thinking "does he or does he not have autism."  Even my four year old son began to ask why I was so sad.  I thought of the word as a life sentence of things my child would never be able to do:  go to camp with neuro-typical children; drive a car; tell me he's not feeling well; dress himself; go to the bathroom independently; shower independently; go to school with neur-typical children; swim; talk; get married; have friends; get a job and so on.  Till today, I am still uncertain about the future.  But i do know all that he has accomplished that I never thought he would.  And he is only five years old.  And I credit both G-d, therapy, and time for all these improvements. 

On the flip side, every fear that I had in the beginning that has come true has shown me that the fear was greater than the reality...and that human's have a strong capacity to adapt to life's circmstances.  We are all more resilient than we think.  I can't believe I even uttered the words "I don't want this challenge."  I can't remember what that moment felt like now that I am so far removed from that initial fear.  

I was scared of the diagnosis up until the day I received it.  It was within 10 minutes of assessing my son that the child psychologist nodded his head and confirmed my suspicion.  I teared for a couple of minutes.  He assured me that my son had social intent and that these children were usually the ones who grew up to have what we humans measure as success in life.  I wiped my tears, accepted the diagnosis, talked to my husband in depth that night about all my fears, and then just got to work on finding him all the help in the world I could get. 

The diagnosis set me in motion.  It made me the mother I never thought I could be.  And I slowly learned that no label can actually change my son.  He is the same child I always loved and always will love.  His strengths and weaknesses were the same before and after the diagnosis.  Any challenge a human faces is just a matter of getting used to.  I would be lying to everyone if I said that those worries I used to have still plague me today.  Yes, they run in the back of my head occasionally.  But it's no different than the worries I have for my neuro-typical son's future.  We don't know anything about the trajectory of any person's life. 

I started subconsciously turning negatives into positives.  Instead of being sad to not carpool to an after school event, I felt relieved and free of this parental duty.  Other parents' struggles and workload are not really less than mine.  They are just less challenging.  And it's ok, because life is full of challenges for everyone in some way or another.  And this is my family's challenge.  No one really prays to have a special needs child when they find out they're pregnant.  But once G-d blesses you with one, you pray that all of humanity have souls as pure as those of special needs children.  And to all you parents and all you therapists who help hours on end, G-d bless you!  Take a minute and pat yourselves on the back.  We are all heroes!